The Theology of Doubt

"The blessings of doubt have not excused us from the burdens of faith."
          from To Rise Again at a Decent Hour by Joshua Ferris

There’s doubt under my fingernails.

Each morning, I swallow two pills
of white doubt to make it
through another day.
It takes more than willpower
to stay alive. Most people fake it,
pretending to hold their beliefs
high above the actual truth. Not me.

I breathe in my doubt
and accept the worry and grief
as necessary evils, as something I need
in order to be human.

Look, if I was blind
and faith opened my eyes to perfect sight,
I’d fall to my knees, born again.
But doubt would slide in behind
my prayers, seep into one brain cell,
then three. Then fourteen.

You’d be able to see doubt creeping into my face,
filling me with just a little bit of hell.